The Etiquette of Showing Up: What Grief Has Taught Me

My beautiful, amazing mother passed away a few weeks ago. It was expected, but nothing could prepare me for what it would feel like.

It felt like the earth shook when she left this world.

My mother was a beaming light of life and positivity. She was a teacher, mother, grandmother, aunt, and friend who touched many lives.

She loved to host parties, and we had a celebration of life for her that included balloons, cake, and fun décor. It was very apropos.

The Surprises

For me, the grief of losing my mother has come in waves, rushing over me at unexpected times. That surprised me, but there have been other surprises, too.

I have been surprised by the kindness of people. Cards have arrived with beautiful notes and personal memories of my mother. People I didn’t necessarily expect to hear from have reached out. Acquaintances came to her service simply to support me and my family. Some gestures have been small, but they have meant more than the people offering them probably realize.

I will never forget the people who showed up, reached out, or simply said something.

There has been another surprise, too. Some people I expected to hear from more, including people I’ve known for many years, offered a kind message when my mother passed but little beyond that. I was surprised by how much that absence affected me.

I don’t share this to keep score or to suggest that everyone responds to grief in the same way. People may not know what to say. They may worry about intruding. They may assume someone else is providing support. But experiencing grief firsthand has made me realize just how much small gestures of care can matter—and how meaningful it is when someone remembers your loss after the first few days have passed.

Perhaps that has been one of the biggest surprises of all: the people who show up are not always the people you expect, and sometimes the simplest acts of kindness are the ones you remember most.

The Lessons

Grief is deeply personal, but here are a few things I’ve learned from my own experience.

• Send a condolence card. As soon as you learn of someone’s passing, it can be lovely to send a handwritten note. It doesn’t need to be long or eloquent. A brief, sincere message can bring tremendous comfort. If you knew the person who passed away, sharing a favorite memory can be especially meaningful.

  
  

• Say something, even when you don’t know what to say. It can be hard to find the right words for someone who is grieving, but a simple acknowledgment of the loss can go a very long way.

  
  

• Offer to help in a specific way. Responding to “Let me know how I can help” can feel surprisingly difficult when you’re grieving. The energy it takes to think of what you need and then ask for it can feel like a heavy lift. Instead, consider offering something specific: dropping off dinner, helping with funeral setup and takedown, running an errand, or helping write thank-you notes.

  
  

• Let the person know you’re there, without putting pressure on them to respond. Offer to listen. Let them know you’re available to talk whenever they are ready. A simple, “I’m thinking of you. No need to respond,” can be a gift.

  
  

• Check in again. Support often pours in immediately after a death, but grief doesn’t end when the funeral or celebration of life is over. Reach out again a few weeks later. Send another text. Make a phone call. Invite the person for coffee. Remember significant dates. Those later gestures may be some of the most meaningful of all.

  
  

Perhaps that has been my biggest etiquette lesson through grief: showing up doesn’t require the perfect words or a grand gesture.

It simply requires that we show up.